Thursday 16 April 2020

The Impossible Pub

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The Impossible Pub is purely patronised by magic users. Anyone who can cast a spell is able to enter the pub via one of the shadow doors that shift around town. Only magicians can see and enter through these doors and they only remain in one place for 7 minutes.

Inside is what can only be described as a visual and aural cacophony. Tankards or Abthug-ar's eyeball mead float from the bar to he table, interdimensional beings of impossible structures rub shoulders with human and dwarf as they place bets on miniature gargoyle races; demons occasionally appear in the ketchup.

Normals (magicians call them 'dulls') aren't admitted. In fact, without a Tristan's Cloak of Brilliant Magnificence any dull would fade out of existence, appearing in a random location back in town.

Nobody knows the proprietor in the flesh, but they call her Mandy because she appears in wizard dreams to de-mandy they play their tabs. Wizards love crappy puns. She appears as literally anything she desires, but usually likes the traditional 1000-eyed Seraphim look (which can land her in bother if she accidentally enters the dream of a dull - that's how religions tend to form).

Every night the beer of the day switches:
1. Gagmore's Ale: hoppy, sweet. Hangover symptom: you hear the confessions of cats within a block.
2. Ribald's Country Pale: crisp, light. Hangover symptom: you can only speak the language of mountains for an hour after waking.
3. Infernal Stout: hearty, strong. Hangover symptom: a devil wrecks your house and attempts to nick your clothes in the morning. It can be banished by throwing the beermat used to rest the stout at it.
4. Venkmoor's Curdled Mead: Sweet, thick. Hangover symptom: you experience your most cringe worthy memories all at once.
5. Bud-wiser: basically brown water. Hangover symptom: you wake up with a clone of yourself, but they're an infuriating know-it-all. They vanish after three hours.
6. Void ale: nothingness with a hint of elderflower. Hangover symptom: you wake up as the mouthpiece for the dread god Maduleth. When you speak it speaks, proclaiming the world of mortals to be doomed. It speaks mad prophecy. This lasts two hours or until exorcised with a hair of the dog (literally).

Penalties for not paying the tab are to appear over a vat of acid in the hollow dimension, become tied to the rotating spit of a blue giant, or be flogged through the streets of Abonen, the city on the edge of hell.

Money has no place here - coins are mundane. Wizards pay with a sacrifice of a tiny fraction of their power. The worst drunkards can do nothing but conjure a penny behind your ear. The magic goes back to powering the pub and helps charge Mandy's powers. Because if this, she's thought to be the most powerful magic user in the multiverse.

The Impossible Pub can occasionally be subject to magical invaders hoping to steal the mystery magic object kept in the cellar. Nobody aside from Mandy knows what this is. Time for a rumour table:

1. It's a pickled monk whose power was said to be unrivalled in life. Drinking his briny blood will offer immortality and true power

2. It's the last remaining Axe of Desolation, a mythical object that can raze entire cities.

3. The cellar is a labyrinth, of which at the centre is a sandtimer that controls the flow of all time.

4. The grimoire of Little Peter is locked down there. The incantations within will resurrect the gods buried in the Triforneon Graveyard under the control of the wizard.

5. The cellar is a doorway to the Last Land - a place 10bn years in the future run by the machine warlock.

6. The last bottle of Grim's Whisky, aged through time travel, is down there. It's worth more than the economic value of major countries.

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