Monday 26 August 2013

5 Insane Pieces Of Video Game Merchandise

Game sales can only take you so far, so developers often look to merchandise to make some more dollar. Most of it is forgiveable - a Mario t-shirt, Zelda cuff links, or a pen shaped like Samus, but other merchandise somehow bafflingly got onto the market with the full approval of all involved. Here's five pieces of insane merchandise for video games.

5. The Angry Birds Bra

You've turned on some Barry White, dimmed the lights and you're about to make your move on your lovely lady friend. It's getting promising but then the two characters beneath the blouse come into full view and you realise you're staring down on a red bird eyeing up a dopey green pig. Terrifying.

Yet somewhat arousing.

4. Pokemon Curry

Man, I'm feeling hungry but I'm also so horrifyingly lazy. What to do. If I'm in Japan, I could pop down to the store and choose from a selection of culinary delights, including a traditional Indian dish themed around monsters who kick the shit out of each other.

Pokemon curry! That's a thing that exists, boys and girls. While to the untrained eye the image on the boy may look like a dish of yesterday's intestinal tract, I'm sure the Nintendo-approved food is just peachy. Look - Pikachu couldn't be happier with his terrible meal.

3. Stranglehold Berettas

My, that John Woo game with all the shooting and the diving and the explosions was a lot of fun wasn't it? I bet you'd love to do that in real life. Well, how about taking these guns onto the street with you. Oh, no, don't worry - they're really just cigarette lighters. What's that? You've just been shot by New York's finest and now you're bleeding out onto the tarmac? Sounds like you could do with a smoke, my friend.

2. No More Heroes Lingerie

Remember that game where you played a nerd that ran around assassinating people in hilarious and bloody ways? Didn't that game scream 'sexy night time attire'? No, it didn't, but that hasn't stopped the creators of No More Heroes releasing a line of lingerie to fulfil the fantasies of horny gamers the world over. Now getting your girlfriend to don a grey wig in bed may be an issue.

1. Dead Or Alive Body Pillow

While previous games that have tried to shoehorn some awkward sexy merchandise into their brand seem a bit misguided, this one is, sadly, right on the money. Dead or Alive is a fighting game and beach volley ball-em-up that relies heavily on its 'jiggly' physics to keep the cash flowing. Of course, some gamers may ask 'how do I get a buxom lady friend like that?'. Now you can, with the Dead of Alive $55 body pillow.

Body pillows often have anime or video game character printed on them so that the owner can, ahem, snuggle it like it was a real women, if real women were stuffed with feathers and had the glassy stare of a serial killer.

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