Tuesday, 21 June 2011

The Sword of Absolute Awesomeness

There are few who know of The Sword of Absolute Awesomeness, and there are fewer in history who have been lucky enough to catch a glimpse of this totally bitchin' weapon.

Yeah, I know what you're thinking: where can I get me a dandy throat-slicer like that? Well, I've got some bad news for you, son - it probably ain't gonna happen.

Find out more after the jump.



The Sword of Absolute Awesomeness was crafted in the early days of Trollworld, when the land was young. An experienced wizard called Lemmy Dickinson sought to make the most awesome blade the world had ever and will ever see, so he travelled the land in search of the greatest blacksmith of all time.

After decades of searching, Lemmy found a female blacksmith known only as Doro. He paid Doro 300gp (that was a lot in those days, you see) to craft the finest sword known to mortals and afterwards Lemmy would enchant it with super awesome properties.

Three weeks went by and finally the blade was made and the charms cast upon it. Lemmy held the blade aloft and didst spake unto the heavens: "This is one f%$king awesome sword." And Doro didst agree.

But Lemmy's quest was far from over. Now he had made the mighty blade, he must then find a hero worthy of such a magnificent weapon. Another five years went by before he found the warrior he was looking for.

Leading the battle against the dark hordes of the plaguedeath, Lars Abbath proved himself to be the finest warrior Lemmy had ever encountered. In one battle he managed to slay 50 vampire blights in under half an hour -  a world record that has yet to be surpassed. Lars Abbath was eternally grateful for such an awesome gift and he became best friends with Lemmy, who was now growing very old but didn't really look it.

It saddens me to say that many years later Lars was killed by some foul demon of the pit and the sword was lost in the chasm of Uberhell, where only a few mortals have ever ventured and that is where it remains.

The Sword of Absolute Awesomeness
200d6 + 500
Str 50, Dx 40
Special: Everytime the sword strikes a blow it has a 1 in 6 chance of causing its target to implode.

The Sword of Absolute Awesomeness has a greenish glow to it and crackles with purple electricity. Just holding the blade makes the wielder hear a kick-ass guitar solo, never mind fighting with it. The inscription on the blade is in elvish and reads: "You ain't seen nothin' yet."