Monday, 13 May 2013

How Dungeons & Dragons drove me to devil worship


There's something you may not know about me. I was once league with the one they call Beelzebub. Seriously, this is a hard fact. I loved Satan (although high level worshippers get to call him Stan) and I devoted my life to his foul greatness. Guess what - it was D&D that helped me on the path to fiery righteousness.

 I think it was from the moment I cast my first magic missile. I'd never felt so much power before, rolling a die and getting a high number. I could feel the evil coursing through my veins and I loved every second of it. I was like "holy shit, what is this incredibleness - it's as if someone liquified Black Sabbath's back catalogue and injected it straight into my body."

Soon I was donning a badass black cloak and doing all kinds of chants. Me and my satanic friends held blood orgies on Tuesday nights with Doritos and salsa dip. Salsa is Stan's dip of choice. Sure - I was cast out from society, but what did I care? I had my D&D and my blood orgies. Life was good.

Anyway, some guy called Jack Chick called me up one day and told me he had heard about my wicked ways. After telling him now wasn't a good time to talk as I was in the middle of disembowling a baby goat, he asked for my email address and I gave it to him because I couldn't be arsed to talk to him and I totally had goat to sacrifice.

The next day I received a little comic strip from him. It was about a group of kids who were getting into D&D. One of them was like a high priestess of Satanism (totally hot, right?) and she was trying to get this other girl in on the good news of Stan. But it all changed when this girl hanged herself because of the ultimate power of Stan! Well, I tell you, this shook me to my core. I mean, Stan's a cool guy and everything and I totally love salsa, but this time he took it too far.


I called Chick back and thanked him for setting me back on the right path. I gave up D&D and I threw out all my ceremonial daggers, black cloaks and DVD copies of Count Duckula. I posted on 4Chan that I would no longer be inviting people over for blood orgies.

I was cured. I had seen the light and the error of my ways. Now I've cut out any kind of Satanic temptations from my life, from watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer to playing Monopoly (commerce is Satan's tool). I don't even eat spicy food anymore lest the devil take me back down to the flaming pits.

Fortunately I found some people who would take me in. Kind hearted people who believe in the power of an ancient alien who threw souls into a volcano and then brainwashed people into going to war with psychiatrists.

Xenu, bless us all.