Sunday, 15 November 2015
Gloomdark Scepter - d6 Random Effects
Posted by Scott Malthouse
Are you tired of your boring old scepter? Do you long for something that will make your enemies wet their pants? You want dark, eldritch effects for a low, low price? Well look no further than the Gloomdark Scepter.
Crafted from the most disturbing umberwood from the Catorsis hell dimension, this top-of-the-range tool of evil is your best defense against goodness and light. Are you often set upon by scores of dumb paladins looking to take you down in the name of justice? The Gloomdark Scepter is just the thing to keep those god-loving dorks at bay.
Don't take my word for it - read some of our amazing customer reviews!
"I've been dealing with do-gooders my whole life and most of my intricately-designed death dungeons have been all but sacked. But now I have the Gloomdark Scepter, anyone who gets up in my business faces the terrible wrath of the unknown, blasphemous gods!" - Vendris Deathrattle, Lich of the Somberwoods.
"I can't recommend the Gloomdark Scepter enough! I had a big problem with a local celebrity cleric up until recently, but she's now a thing of the past. Think you can desecrate my temple to the Lord of Pain, Anabelle? Not anymore. Now she's serving her time in an infinite hellcage in the center of a black star." Jelle Doomfucker, Dutchess of Carnage.
"I can't imagine life without my Gloomdark. When I'm not using it to turn my opponents into gibbering wrecks, I use it as a walking stick for my rambling." Xeeth the Vile, Chairperson of the Rambler's Association.
So what can the Gloomdark Scepter do for you? 1d6 random effects, that's what!
1. Target becomes enveloped in black tentacles, preventing the target from attacking or moving for 1d6 minutes.
2. Target is transported to the centre of a black star, caged for 10,000 years (time goes 1000 years to 1 real-world second). Target returns after 10 seconds, broken, silent and dead inside.
3. The target becomes an eldritch abomination who sprouts blackened wings and flies away to the moons of Svess.
4. The target is overcome with despair and cannot act for 1d6 days.
5. The target becomes the thing it fears the most.
6. The target's loved ones are immediately eradicated from existence.
Buy the Gloomdark Scepter now and we'll throw in a free dimensional pouch - for unlimited cash storage!